Little Girl Lost

It's funny the things we bury away so we don't have to deal with them.  Long ago hurts, little things turned into big things, then buried down deep because that's just what you do.  Suck it up and get on with it.  Never let them see you cry.  Put up with ridicule and abuse just because it's what's socially acceptable.  While you're at it, go ahead and judge others or make fun of them for being different - what harm can it do?

I want to tell you a story.  Well, I don't really want to tell you, more like I need to tell you.  It's a story of a little girl who was full of love for all, and most importantly, for herself, until the world taught her she wasn't good enough to be loved and she became lost.  And it's a story about how she discovered the way back to herself, the way back to love…a story of how she was found.

Faith was a free spirit from the time she first opened her eyes.  She was kind, imaginative, creative, musical, and loved to just BE with others who wanted to be with her.  She gave her love freely, all smiles and laughter, not a care in the world.  She was shy and quiet, but only until she felt she was "safe" with a person, then she opened up to them like a flower in the sun.

As Faith grew from a toddler to a young girl, she made few friends, but the ones she did make were near and dear to her heart.  Her best friend in the world was a tiny little thing, and Faith was quite a bit chubbier, but that made no difference.  Everyone in her family was on the chubby side and her best friend's family was on the thin side; that was just the way it was.  Such a concept as "fat" did not exist for her...life was good.

Then came school.  School was an "enlightening" experience for Faith in many ways.  That was where she first discovered that it was overwhelming for her to be around a lot of people.  That was where she started to withdraw even more into her own world.  And that was where she made the transition from being identified by who she was, to being identified as "the fat girl."

If you ask her when it happened, she really couldn't tell you.  No certain incident sticks out in her mind as to where it all began.  But somewhere in those early years of "education" she did indeed learn a powerful lesson...that she was different because she was not "skinny" and that difference meant that she was not to be accepted.  That she was to be the butt of people's jokes, and that she was to look upon herself as everybody else did - with disgust and revulsion.  For being a "fatty," for not having the "will power" to lose weight, for having the nerve to even exist and sicken "normal people" with her presence.  For having the same feelings and desires that everyone else has...how dare she disgust them that way?!  It was like she was an affront to people's senses because her body was shaped differently than theirs, and they sure didn't hesitate to let her know that.

It wasn't just in school that she learned this either.  It was everywhere.  Television, magazines, PEOPLE in general.  Everywhere she went, she heard the comments, the laughter, the jokes.  Not just aimed at her, but at fat people in general.  Fat = ugly.  Fat = undesirable.  Fat = weak.  Fat = BAD!  For most people it was second nature to say these things.  They didn't even give it a second thought.  It's what they grew up hearing and it became their reality.  And so it became her reality as well.  Those thoughts are what stuck with her through the years and molded her.  They were, of course, reinforced by many around her.

Faith dealt with it every day throughout her teenage years.  The kids at school would make comments about her loud enough for her to hear and then laugh at her when they knew she'd heard.  Her tears were even more of a joke to them, so she learned to hide them well.

She wasn't stupid either; she saw how the "skinny girls" were shown attention and had boyfriends while she was ridiculed and ostracized.  That was when she learned that no matter how "beautiful" others might tell her she was, she would never be "good enough;" that "skinny girls" would always be "better" than her by default.

Gym class was a nightmare, being laughed at because she was uncoordinated and not good at sports, and when she ran...well, let's just say being a C-cup at thirteen and a "fatty" at that is apparently very funny to other 13 year olds.  She was terrified of the thought of anyone seeing her undressed too.  Whoever came up with the idea of a communal shower / changing area clearly was never teased about their body before.

Home was no better.  Her stepfather would constantly make comments about her getting fat when she would eat, and crack jokes and puff his cheeks out and hold his arms out away from his sides to mimic "being fat", then laugh.

She hated herself for it.  She believed she was all of those things...ugly, undesirable, weak, and bad.  She didn't see how anyone could possibly love her or want her.  Thus was her experience growing up, and she carried these fears and insecurities with her throughout her life.

She met a boy in high school who remarkably didn't seem to care and managed to get past her shyness with him.  Of course, he was an awkward, shy, "fatty" himself…which didn't matter one bit to her.  He was a kind soul and he truly loved her and she loved him.  With him in her life, it didn't seem to matter anymore what other people thought of her either because she finally belonged with him.  She thought it would be forever.  She was young, and naive, and ultimately, wrong.

Things ended with the boy as they often do and she went on with her life.  Once again back at square one feeling completely insecure and repulsed by herself.  Some months later, she met someone else who didn't seem to care.  In short...she settled.  Took what she could get.  He was not terrible to her, but he was not good either, he was just "better" than what she'd had and she didn't think she'd ever be worth more than that.  Make no mistake, she loved him; but she didn't even know herself to know what she wanted in a relationship or from life, she just knew that he didn't care that she was fat, and he paid attention to her and said he loved her, so she settled.  She had bonded with him and that was that...happily ever after...again with the naiveté.

Their relationship lasted for several years before ending.  A story that has been told before to some, one for another time to others.  Her now-ex had always told her that she was perfect and requested that if she were to lose weight, that she not lose "too much" because he loved her the way she was.  Yet shortly after she left him, one of the first things he threw up in her face was that he was dating a girl who was skinnier than her.  Went so far as to show off a pair of the new girlfriend's jeans - a size he knew she hadn't been able to fit into for years - and laugh in her face.  All of her fears came rushing to the surface, of being ridiculed, being rejected - but there was little to do about it but move on.

A new relationship took the place of the old, truthfully before the first had even ended. This time was different and yet it was not.  He seemed to accept her with open arms.  But those fears were still there, which was very frustrating because at some point over the years Faith discovered how passionate and sensual she really was.  It was a constant struggle.  Years of having it imprinted upon her how "disgusting" it was when fat people were intimate warred with her instincts to be herself.  Always worried that whoever she was with intimately was secretly (or not so secretly) repulsed by her.  Feeling like no matter how much she enjoyed pleasing her partners and experimentation, because she "couldn't do" some things as well as "skinny girls" do, she was a failure as a lover.

But she just pushed these feelings to the side.  There was little time lost between their meeting and intimacy to worry about the whole "fear of nakedness" issue, but it still took months before she would let him see her entire body.  Once she finally did let him see her, and he didn't react with outright disgust, she swore this was the last time...the last time she would need to worry about it, the last time she'd have to feel so insecure.  But life has a way of putting you to the test no matter how much you tell yourself you are done with something.

He was happy with her the way she was.  Wasn't he?  He always said he was.  But there were a few things that nagged at her.  Intimate acts that he'd bragged about doing with other girls that he wouldn't do with her.  Tried once or twice, then just stopped.  While she gave him every part of herself and whatever he expressed that he needed to feel fulfilled.  Somewhere, deep inside, even though she was "happy," the hurt kept building.  Then there was the rejection.

At a point about a year into their relationship, he started rejecting her.  Flat out telling her no with a look on his face that spoke volumes.  It was a horrible feeling, like a knife to the heart, every time.  Years later he apologized for it and told her that it was partially the way he was feeling at the time and partially the way she was approaching him...but she never really understood and it was never really resolved.  And though he stopped rejecting her, the memory of all those times when he did never faded.

Neither did the feeling of rejection when he would not do the things that she wanted him to do, that he had done with those before her.  Whether or not it had anything to do with her body, Faith felt like it did.  She felt like he was disgusted by her and couldn't bring himself to do these things, so he just didn't, and instead focused upon what he enjoyed.

She brought this up to him a few times.  He would tell her that it wasn't true, but nothing really changed.  So what was it...if it wasn't disgust, then was she just not worth the effort?  Or was she just taking it personally after years of believing there must be something wrong with her?  Whatever the reason, it hurt and ripped that scab open again every time.

Several more years passed, and then one day...well, let's just say Faith woke up.  She began to see things clearly for the first time in her life when she unexpectedly connected with another soul on a level that lifted her up higher than she ever imagined she could go while simultaneously scaring the living daylights out of her (to put it mildly.)  She could not deny the connection, for denying it hurt worse than she could bear, and the more she tried to fight it, the more pain she felt.  So she embraced it.  But in embracing it, she had to let go of every fear she’d ever picked up along the way which was just as painful as her denial had been, if not more.  She realized that as difficult as it was, it was too late to turn back, and the only way she had to go was forward, through her fears.  And oh...she had a lot of fears.

This one fear in particular, one of the deepest rooted, and one of the last for her to confront; one she never wanted to face again, even though she never really faced it to begin with. She’d made herself a little prison where she wasn’t really happy, but she was comfortable, because she didn’t have to worry about being rejected in the way she feared the most.  Until the Universe brought her together with the only one whose rejection she could not bear the thought of yet from whom she could not run, for in essence it would be akin to rejecting or running from herself…and so the true test began.

Thus brings us to the crux of Faith's story.  All of these feelings of worthlessness, of not being good enough, and years of self-loathing, pent up inside.  How does one deal with this once and for all?

Ok, let's look at it from a traditional standpoint.  She'd tried dieting.  Tried exercise.  Tried diet pills.  She would try for a while and have initial success, then lose motivation to continue because deep down she knew it wasn’t “her” she was doing it for no matter how much she claimed otherwise.  Every time this happened she would feel like more of a failure.  She'd look at the ones who were successful at it, who dropped pounds and "looked fantastic" and got positive attention from all around them and feel like she was pathetic and weak for not being able to stick to such a plan herself.  And the ones who had never really been overweight to begin with, yet talked about how fat they were or celebrated their five pound weight losses as a huge accomplishment while looking upon those who struggled with their weight for years with derision...well, they certainly did not help her to feel any better about this "failure."

Now, let's look at it a different way.  Sure, she could force herself to do these things.  But to what end?  So she could fit in?  So she could become what other people told her she must to be pretty, and desired, and wanted?  Why did there have to be something "wrong" with her simply because she was different?  That was what she never could wrap her head around no matter how much the idea was pounded into it.  WHY did she have to change to be accepted?  WHY did she have to change to be LOVED?  Would being skinny really make her happy?  Or would it just be an ego boost and an empty victory, a band-aid to cover up a scar that would never truly heal as long as it was kept covered?

What Faith needed then and still needed most of all was to be accepted and loved JUST THE WAY SHE IS.  Without feeling she needs to change to be loved.  Without fear of rejection.  Without fear that someone "better" (meaning skinnier) is going to replace her.  To know that she really is beautiful and that our physical forms are nothing more than an illusion.  This is something that she had told others for a long, long time about themselves but has never quite been able to believe about herself.  The fear of rejection had always been more overpowering, gnawing away at her insides.

She knew she had to overcome it to move forward with her life.  She'd felt the pain of it all and the self-doubt that comes along with it more intensely than ever before in recent months as it all kept rising to the surface, again and again, for her to confront.

The purpose of it all was clear to her now.  She could stay where she was, miserable and unfulfilled, but comfortable because she didn't have to face these feelings.  Or she could force herself away from her comfort zone and take a leap of faith that her fears would be conquered by love.

And therein lies the true lesson.  No amount of dieting or exercise or weight loss pills could have taught her that.  Those things would only have taught her to conform...that she must fit in to feel accepted and loved.  That she must be just like everyone else.  And Faith has never been much of a conformist.  As she thought more upon it, she became angry.  Angry at so much of her life wasted feeling badly about herself simply because OTHER PEOPLE felt that way.  It seemed senseless when put into that context, and not just for her but for everyone else too.

It goes back to something Faith had learned not too long before these revelations.  The way we judge and treat others says everything about us and nothing about the people we are judging.  This is where we become our own worst enemy.   For if we treat others harshly and with little compassion, how do we treat ourselves?  What kind of expectations do we place upon ourselves to be "good enough?"

Faith sees it every day, and it breaks her heart.  People who she loves dearly feeling badly about themselves for everything under the sun.  They are insecure about their weight, height, crooked teeth, acne.  We could go on with this forever, but I'm pretty sure you get the point.

Life on this planet has taught us to have a million and one reasons to doubt ourselves, to feel insecure.  And when people see themselves through glasses colored with these insecurities, they place conditions on what others must do to "prove" that they love them.  They are afraid of not being good enough and so they expect those who say they love them to do this or do that or else it can not be true, and that is where they begin to create their own drama and relationship problems.  And not just their relationships with others, but their relationship with themselves.

Are these people happy?  NO!  They are MISERABLE!  They aren't miserable all the time over it, but they are miserable often enough that it does affect their lives in a negative way.  They spend their time worrying about these “imperfections” consciously or not and as a direct result, they create for themselves what they fear the most.  The more time they spend obsessing over it, the more it becomes their reality, and the worse they feel about themselves - for whatever reason - which leads to them being harsh with others and inevitably with themselves.

They give away their power by choosing to see themselves only through the eyes of others, by feeling the need to conform and meet everyone else's expectations in order to receive love.  By allowing others to tell them if they are beautiful and worthy of love or not instead of loving themselves the way they are and loving others the way they are, unconditionally.  They stay stuck in the same miserable spot and find themselves repeating the same self destructive patterns over and over again.  It's a vicious cycle, and one that Faith has decided to end, for herself anyway.  She hopes that others will decide to end it for themselves as well; to each their own, in their own time.

It is in this understanding that Faith finally knows that she is beautiful.  She might not appear that way to some, but that is because that's the reality they have allowed to be created for themselves through the thoughts and words of others.

She chooses to create a different reality through her own thoughts and words where all are accepted and loved the way they are, including herself.

She has surrounded herself with a reflective shield so that she may mirror back unto others that which they need to see in themselves to address and heal.  If this means she is ugly in their eyes, so be it.  If it means she is undesirable in their eyes, so be it.  If it means they reject her, so be it.  If what she says and does makes them uncomfortable or angry, so be it.  How they see her is merely a reflection of how they see themselves, not how she sees herself, and therefore not a part of her new reality.

She chooses love…for herself, and for all others.

With this choice, she reconnects with her inner child, lost so many years ago.

With this choice, she feels "good enough" to be loved for the first time in her life.

With this choice, she draws those to her who see her as beautiful and repels those who do not.

With this choice, she is free.

Thus ends the story of Faith, the little girl who once was lost, but now is found, and begins the story of Faith, the Healer, the Mother, and the Muse.  Her love is a flame burning brightly in her heart and soul, there to ignite others if they open their eyes to it.  The rest of her story has been foretold, yet remains unwritten.  And she can’t wait to write it, for it is one as beautiful as she is, and then some.

©  Lady Jennith 9/9/11