Epiphany

 For the past few months I've found myself gazing into the abyss of depression.  I thought I had conquered that dark place, but I understand now that it will always be a part of me, an aspect of my shadow self that will never completely go away.  I also understand that there is nothing wrong with that.  My human experience is just as valid and valuable as the next; I am a beautiful soul just the way I am, even if I am unable to "put on a happy face" at all times and in every situation.  By accepting my feelings as they are and allowing them to flow through me rather than suppressing them or denying what I am feeling for the sake of making others comfortable, I stand firm in my authentic self and enable myself to heal from the inside out in a way that can not be done by simply forcing myself to "stay positive" on the surface.  I also gain a much greater depth of understanding and compassion for those who experience depression in their lives, whether it be a fleeting thing or a lifelong battle, and thus am better equipped to offer those people support and encouragement.  By embracing myself "as is" I am able to love myself...that means loving my depression too.

However, this does not mean that I wish to stay in a state of depression.  I have been through hell and back to find and stay in the light, and to serve as a "lighthouse" for others on their own journeys.  Things as of late have been challenging to say the least.  Everything that I believed with absolute certainty has been called into question.  The one for whom I have carried a torch of infallible faith, to all appearances, "abandoned" me.  Situations which were converging into the realization of my dreams suddenly came to a halt.  My new-found ability to manifest abundance into my life failed me.  The situation with my home and family life continued to grow more toxic and uncertain no matter what I tried to "do" on the outside to "fix" this.  All of this and more.  In short, nearly every part of my life fell into chaos, and along with that chaos, my old frienemies Self-Doubt and Hopelessness paid me an unwelcome extended visit.  I found myself feeling quite lost and alone in their company, wondering what I had done "wrong" to deserve this when I have been working SO hard on "me" for the last year and a half, and all signs up until then had told me that I was on the right path.  Thinking that maybe I had been wrong all along about everything and feeling like a failure as a "lightworker" for being unable to "walk my talk" so to speak.

I see now that I am not a failure, and I am still on the right path.  I have not been punished, and I have done nothing "wrong."  This most recent battle with depression has shown me all that I mentioned above, and more.  It has allowed me to give up...to REALLY give up on any "plans" or thoughts of a certain future.  I would be lying if I said that in itself has not been painful as the visions I have seen of what could be have been nothing short of amazing.  But I can not hold onto these visions any longer...to do so keeps me imprisoned in this state of depression, while letting them go sets me free.  So letting them go is what I must do.  This freedom, though much needed, is bittersweet, and though I know I must embody a state of allowance, I will not lie and say that I am "ok" with things the way they are even though I wish I could be.  I would love to say that I am a shining example of unconditional love, but the truth is, though I may be a human angel, I am still HUMAN.  My heart breaks when I think of what I have seemingly "lost" and I imagine that it always will for as long as things remain as they are.  Again...I will not pretend, I feel the way I feel and will not deny it.  But to focus upon that, when there is so much else in life that I love dearly, is madness.

So instead, I will focus upon the love.

My love of nature in all its forms...of capturing beautiful sights with my camera, so I can look back and remember forever and share with others to brighten their day.  The beauty of the Sun and the Moon, the Earth and Sky.  Earth...flowers, the forest, crystals.  Air...thunderstorms, clouds, sunsets.  Fire...camp fires with friends, cooking over an open fire, warming myself near the flames on cold nights.  Water...the beach, rain, soothing candlelit baths.  Animals...the feeling of connectedness when I experience a brief, unexpected encounter with one of God's wild creatures.

Speaking of animals...my love of dogs will never fade.  My four-legged children are most precious to me, and I feel for those who have never loved and been loved by an animal in the way I have known.  Just being with them brings me joy...seeing them happy and fulfilled, whether they are running and playing in the yard, at a park, or at the beach, enjoying a treat, or snuggling up to sleep.  Not to mention the way they smile and wag with excitement and cover my face with doggy kisses.  When I am away from them, I miss their company dearly.  They are truly angels in furry bodies and have much to teach us about unconditional love.

Music is one of my first loves; it has always been my way of expressing my emotions and creating beauty.  There is nothing like the feeling I get when I touch someone's heart with my voice.  It is a palpable sensation of my soul merging with theirs that uplifts me in ways I simply can not put in words.  My whole life, I have wanted nothing more than to sing, and to create something wondrous and life-changing with my music.  And I will.  Perhaps not at this moment and not in the way I once believed, but it will happen.

Children have always had a special place in my heart.  Someday I will have children of my own...until that day, I will continue to love the children of others as if they were my own flesh and blood, for truly, we are all one soul family at our core.

And my love of YOU...nothing will EVER change that...NOTHING.  Do not mistake my outward silence for lack of love, for though I may be at a loss for words, my heart will forever speak directly to yours.

I find myself suddenly very tired...I was not planning to write any of this, I was ready to lay down for the night when the inspiration to start writing hit me, so I did.  There are so many more things that I could mention...my love of reading, of learning, of physical touch...the point is there is SO MUCH in life that I am grateful for regardless of how tightly depression may have me in its grasp.  I will not submit to it...it may get me down, but I will prevail and will come out of it with a greater sense of gratitude every time the darkness tries to claim me.  And when depression does come calling, I will not try to hide it...I will instead seek within to understand what it is I am releasing and be gentle with myself rather than condemning myself for not being "strong enough" to be one of those people who are "perpetually positive."  Being "perpetually positive" is fantastic...but that is simply not who I am, at least not at this stage of my lifetime.  I am who I am; love and accept me as is, or watch me as I walk away.  I have doubted myself and all I believed in these past weeks, but even during the worst moments, I knew that there was a reason for all of this, a lesson within the madness.  And that lesson was to LET GO, of everything.  What will be will be...I am officially waving the white flag of surrender.

Love will light the way...one way or another, my path will lead me home.

Lady Jennith 7/8/2012